Effie has been stuck in the bathroom for a majority of Ophelia's reception...
Grandma started to cough again, while I could hear my Aunt tapping her heels. She was like one of those parachute-like blow-ups they put outside of car dealerships. She could never just sit still, she was always swaying, or frantically waving her arms, or tapping her feet. During family reunions, she was usually falling over, like one of the giant waving nylon tubes that had the fan on too low.
Aunt Rosie (who was recently single) cleared her throat.
“Yeah, beautiful. She’s the only one in the family that got good genes, huh mom? Think I’m still young enough to get me a doctor? Maybe a hot divorcé.”
Aunt Rosie was slurring so it came out as “hawwwwwt divorshay.”
“Well,” Grandma said, “you’ve got as good a chance as any of the rest of us.”
3.) I wouldn’t have to listen to my Aunt talk about “hawwwwt divorshay’s.”
2.) I could avoid my grandmother and mother.
1.) Nobody would see that the butt of my dress was now soaked from the toilet sweating.
1 a.) Sometimes I wonder – is this really my life?
1 b.) I think my business cards will one day read, “Effie Greene: Big Embarrassing Mess.”
“Effie?” I heard Ophelia calling from outside the door.
Grandma and Aunt Rosie had already left, a puff of smoke and a plethora of “hawwwwt’s” in their wake.
“Effie, are you in here?”
Ophelia pounded on the door, making it shake in the frame. I heard a small, mechanical click.
I reached up to unlock the door, and this time the deadbolt moved smoothly.
Figures.
Ophelia pushed open the door, and let out a gasp.
I’m sure I looked like the big mess that I felt - sugar from the coke crusted on my right arm and a giant stain set into the skirt, hair hanging limply around my face, and the big pink tulle skirt spread out around the bathroom stall like a cotton candy machine exploded.
“Effie,” she said, “what are you doing in there?”
I looked at her in her bridal gown – a beautiful white satin mermaid dress with little lace sleeves. Her auburn hair was pulled up into tight curls, and a diamond necklace, a wedding gift from George, hung from her neck.
“I’m just thinking, I guess,” I said.
Ophelia shook her head.
“Get out of the bathroom stall.”
I crossed my arms.
“Give me three reasons.”
Ophelia took a deep breath, and held up three fingers.
“Three, it’s starting to look like you live in there. Two, you’re missing the reception which I paid mucho dollars for, and one you’re my maid of honor. I need your help, otherwise I’m going to kill half of our relatives.”
I stepped up to the sink and washed the coke off my arm.
“Three reasons why I’ll be better off living in the bathroom. Three-“
Ophelia wrapped her arms around me before I could finish the first reason.
“No more lists, Effie. Not today. This is the biggest day of my life, I want you to be a part of it.”
Ophelia took a step back.
“Why is your ass wet? Did you sit in the toilet?”
“Gross!” I said.
3.) I ate cake and there was nothing mom could say about it.
2.) I caught the bouquet, wrestling it away from Aunt Rosie. (Hey, she had her chance.)
1.) Ophelia and I made plans to resume our Friday “sister dinners” the first Friday she got back from her honeymoon. We will not be inviting George or my boy that is a friend, Robbie.
2 comments:
love reason 3 as to why it was good she didn't stay in the bathroom. Yay for cake!
Just stopping back for the next installments...thanks for posting these! It's *such* a big deal when your older sister gets married (it feels like your whole *world* is changing), & I could identify with a lot of the stubborn, selfish reasons it shouldn't happen. I like the nice moment at the end when Ophelia comes in and is able to give a convincing 3 reasons list that makes the reader believe she & Effie will always be best friends even if things will never be exactly the same.
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