Sometimes in a manuscript, we'll notice a gross overuse of adverbs, usually attached to dialogue, or listed among description. For example:
"No," Jane said, forcfully.
"But you said you would buy me a pony," Cindy said, sadly.
"I thought you wanted a My Little Pony," Jane said, exhasperatedly.
Cindy stomped her feet quickly, and swung her arms wildly.
"I. Want. A. PONY!" Cindy screamed loudly.
But, if you deleted the extraneous adverbs and used more descritive verbs, you can get the emotion across in a cleaner, more readable way.
"No," Jane said.
"But you said you would buy me a pony," Cindy whined.
Jane threw her hands in the air. "I thought you wanted a My Little Pony."
Cindy stomped her feet, swung her arms and took a deep breath.
"I. Want. A. PONY!"
Cleaner, yes?
How else would you rewrite the original paragraph?
Monday, March 30, 2009
Beware the Over-used Adverb
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6 comments:
When I find myself using excessive adverbs, it's because I'm getting lazy with my writing. But when I make the effort to bring the scene to life, a need to stimulate the senses, the writing goes from transferring a story to writing something concise and enjoyable.
For instance, to me, not only is Cindy flinging her arms like a banshee, but I imagine her voice squealing like metal on a chalkboard, etc. (excuse the cliches)
If you see an adverb, kill it.
I'd definitely add a clue as to whose POV the scene is in. As is, it's cinematic, but what's one of these characters thinking? Like maybe Jane spent the entire day online looking for a My Little Pony, or she visited every thrift shop in town for a week, which would be the reason behind her frustration. It would add an interesting layer to her character. This was a fun example, though. :)
Tracy, this is a great post. I always struggle with adverbs, but the more I write the less I use them. Oftentimes, they just get in the way.
Did you get my email with your blog header? I haven't heard from you about it, so I'm leaving a comment here about it. Sorry.
Great post! This is a problem with a lot of writers, I think.
Agreed, Lady Glamis! I think adverbs are definitely alluring when people first start to write. I think the goal is to add emotional depth, but what adverbs are really adding is a lot of clunky phrasing!
Karen - I'll admit I had to remind myself that since Cindy was young, Jane wouldn't say all the things I thought about writing for her! This isn't a WIP though, just something for the blog, which almost made it a bit harder to clean it up without developing a whole new story!
Kristy - Maybe we should make t-shirts: "Adverb Avengers!" ;)
I'm a bit weird because I've never liked adverbs, even in speaking. At least not since 6th grade.
My teacher Mrs. Abbott would make us each, once a week, take turns giving 1 minute talks on whatever topic she gave us. We only had 5 minutes to prepare once she gave us the topic. Every time the speaker utter a filler (um, er, uh, etc.) or an adverb, the person was made to start over.
And every adverb in our papers was 5 points off.
So, yeah, I don't like adverbs at all.
Captain Hook, Mrs. Abbott sounds like one tough cookie... but I'll bet you're a better writer because of it!
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